Mambel's Rambles

1984?

2005-05-18T23:45:00.001-04:00

Better 1984:

George Orwell's negative utopian vision of the future or Van Halen's kick-ass vision of rocking out?

As always, your opinions are greatly appreciated.

“Pen Fifteen” Poisoning Afflicts Middle School Students

2005-05-06T17:07:00.000-04:00

Dozens of students at Calvin Coolidge Middle School have succumbed to ink poisoning as a result of joining the “Pen Fifteen” club, whose initiation ceremonies include writing on the hand. Health officials believe that the ink is seeping through the skin and entering the blood stream, resulting in acute rollerballitis and an increased risk of chronic ballpointadopholous.

“Initially, these kids just want to fit in, so they join this club at their friend’s request,” said Coolidge Principle Judy Evans. “Well we’ll see how well they fit in when they’re dead.”

Billy Jackson, founder of the Coolidge chapter of the Pen Fifteen Club, was unavailable for comment due to recess.

Condoleeza Rose and Microwaves

2005-05-03T00:30:00.000-04:00

So as I had mentioned a few months ago, my roommate and I enjoy betting on Elimidate. Tonight is a big one as the winner gets to keep the microwave. I'm going to give some live updates throughout the episode. This is my first live blogging experience:

11:59PM: Mambles wins the coin toss and selects the field which means ScoDo will have first choice.

12:01: Miami, FL. Wow this field is pretty wrecked. ScoDo picks the clear favorite and the field is littered with a girl who says she would not consider herself "wild," a platinum blonde who may not be from this planet, and one other girl who is rather non-descript.

12:05: One of my favorite Elmidate moments that I can remember. The girl who would not describe herself as "wild," Rachel, says that her idol is Condoleeza Rose. When the platinum blonde asks "who's that?" Rachel responds, "she's in the government. I'm a political science major."

12:08: Rachel asks platinum if she even knows who the president is. Platinum replies that she does not know nor does she care. "Who cares about the government? Do you know the name of Paris Hilton's dog?"

12:09: First elimidation: non-descript girl.

12:12: Platinum flashes the dude.

12:14: Platinum starts making out with the guy. Rachel follows up. ScoDo's pick looks on in moral disapproval. This microwave might be mine yet.

12:15: Dude says that his fantasy has always been to make out with three girls on a hammock. He then reveals in his camera testimonial that he was making that up in order to score. How cunning, he must have seen this show before.

12:16: Commercial Break: Dr. Ron Schnitman is telling me that life alert can help. Apparently old people like to watch Elimidate.

12:18: Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints is telling me to read the book of Morman. For a free copy call 1-800-522-8615. "I just feel so peaceful when I'm reading this."

12:19: Second elimidation: Rachel is gone. Things are looking bad for my microwave.

12:20: Rachel in her goodbye testimonial says she was about to Elimidate herself and calls him a dumb fratboy.

12:21: Our friends have moved to the private suite of his hotel. There are strawberries and whipcream on the bed. Oh, what will happen?

12:23: Platinum is my final hope. She is saying she is not going to give it up on the first night, unless she's having fun.

12:23: Shout out to Dale Ingraham, the announcer of Elimidate. That guy's a pro.

12:24: Commercial break: Add for anti-depression tapes. Apparently the target Elimdate audience is geriatric, depressed, and looking for religious fulfillment.

12:26: If you or a loved one took hormone therapy and are suffering from stroke or bloodclots, please call 1-800-293-1886. Law Offices of James Soklave.

12:28: Final cut....he says to platinum "you're definitely hot but just not my type."

12:30: Damn. I loved that microwave.

Have Mercy

2005-04-22T13:58:00.000-04:00

Quick poll:

Better Uncle Jesse:
Uncle Jesse from Full House, or
Uncle Jesse from Dukes of Hazard?

Please feel free to comment.

Got 'er Done - Part II

2005-04-19T09:11:00.000-04:00

On Sunday, we woke up about 9:30 and made some breakfast sandwiches with sausage, eggs, and cheese, washed down by a morning High Life. (19)

Race day is like nothing I have seen in my entire life. The Martinsville Speedway holds about 60,000 people so it’s similar to the scene outside of a colllege football game. Vendors set up shops where you can buy all sorts of NASCAR gear. We decided on purchasing a confederate flag with our weekend mantra, “Git ‘er Done,” written in yellow writing. (22)

Unfortunately, the town of Martinsville was sold out of sunscreen and coolers, which would each present its own problems later in the day. The cooler we were able to get around by bringing in a cooler about three times the size allowed in the race and pretending like we didn’t know. Security was nice enough to say, “you boys just don’t bring that next time.” (23) For the sunscreen, we just burned in the 80 degree heat.

At the race, it was loud and hot. It seems like the race itself is secondary for a lot of the fans there who seem more focused on the contents of their koozies. Laps 1-100 were a lot of fun, 100-400 not so much, and then the final 100 I enjoyed again.

Best race day conversation that I overheard:

Woman Standing in Line at Outhouse: Jeff Gordon is not gay! You give me five minutes with that man and I will prove to you that he is not.
Guy Standing in Line: Lady, Gordon is such a queer.
Woman: Five minutes and I will prove he’s not. He may be bisexual but he ain’t gay. Hehehe.

The two of them put their differences aside and toasted koozies, cackling behind their 15 collective teeth. (26)

Naturally, I was pulling for my guy, #9, Kasey Kahne from Cle Elum, WA who put in a helluva race. You can imagine that I was booing with the rest of the fans when Jeff Gordon crossed that finish line. Kahne, a half a lap behind, finished in second place. (28)

As I walked away from Bojangles with a box of fried chicken after the race, my roommate turned and asked me a question:

My roommate: Where’s your koozey?
Mambles: Sheeet, I left it at the race with my pouch of Red Man.
Roommate: Get ‘er done.

Got 'er Done- Part I

2005-04-11T12:28:00.000-04:00

Early Saturday evening, my roommate, two guys from my section, and I climbed into a 1976 RV and headed to Martinsville, VA for a NASCAR weekend, courtesy of the Advanced Auto Parts 500. There were so many people that we met and moments to this weekend that a single blog entry will not suffice. I’ll start from the beginning and will include in parentheses the number of beers I had at that point:

The RV:

This RV was recently purchased by some friends of mine at a charity auction for the bargain price of $900. We get about ten feet from where we’d started when we heard a loud, scraping noise outside. Upon inspection, we realized that we were dragging a metal pipe that seemed to be attached to the water or sewage system. There was not enough time for a proper fix so we just removed the piece and were on our way. (1)

About an hour on the road, the RV started hurking, jerking, and making loud banging noises which meant we were running out of gas. Apparently, the gas gauge leaves a bit to be desired for accuracy. We switch the auxiliary tank and are able to coast into the nearest gas station, which for some odd reason, had two pool tables and three extras from Deliverance. (4)

Walmart Supercenter Store in Lynchburg, VA

Our next stop came at the Walmart in Lynchburg. We purchased two camping chairs, a dozen bottles of water, and a bucket to be used as a urinal since the RV bathroom does not flush. I’m beginning to wonder if removing that pipe back in Charlottesville was a good idea. (6)

Martinsville

We finally arrived in Martinsville at about 9:00 pm and found a large field filled with RV’s, tents and enough domestic beer and Camel lights to feed an army. The guy running the field said it was $60 for an RV but we agreed on $40 and had a home for the night. (8)

We fired up the BBQ and had a few burgers before venturing out to meet our neighbors. This is where the real fun began. (10)

The first group we hung out with were from Pittsburg. Five guys in their thirties, including Bob who was already passed out in a camping chair next to the bonfire. He would poke his face out from his hooded sweatshirt whenever one of his buddies screamed his name. (11)

At our second bonfire, we met four brothers from Ohio. Somebody was lighting off fireworks at a nearby field and every time something would explode, one of the brothers would scream “Git ‘er done!” This became our rallying cry for the night and the following day.

We then met a guy who was a huge Mark Martin fan who would giggle uncontrollably every time he said “Martin is going to win in Martinsville…hehehehehe.” (15)

In what was one of our brighter ideas of the weekend, we decided to check out the speedway at night. We stumbled to the main entrance and eventually found an open gate which allowed us into the grandstands. A maintenance worker warned us that there were about three hundred sheriffs patrolling the speedway and it might be a wise idea to leave. So we left, but not without me trying to start a golf cart parked in the concourse. (17)

On the walk back from the Speedway, I fell in a ditch and rolled my ankle as I am prone to do.

Just when we thought our night was over, we procured some firewood and were able to make a bonfire in our BBQ. Enjoying a night cap, a 55 year old woman and her 70 year old man, who was either her father, boyfriend, or pimp, stumbled towards our fire.

The woman, staggering back and forth and holding a big bottle of wine, said, “you boys got a corkscrew?”

My roommate, thinking she said quarter said, “I’ve got a quarter,” as he handed it to her.

She responded, “no not a quarter a corkscrew, but I will keep your quarter.”

“You boys wanna play butt darts?” she added before stumbling off into the darkness

Confused and a bit frightened we asked no follow up questions and went to sleep. (18) Seriously, what the hell is butt darts?

Law School Prom

2005-02-21T16:05:00.000-05:00

Saturday night was the "Barristers' Ball" or Law School Prom, as it is informally referred to. Unfortunately, Helen was in town last weekend, while my parents were in town this weekend. Despite several jokes over the previous weeks, I did not take my parents to this event although there was serious contemplation about having friends over to my apartment before the prom to have my parents take pictures of the couples in front of my fireplace.

Flying solo and quite exhausted after writing my brief throughout Thursday night and then going on a nice little bender in D.C. on Friday with my buddy Nick who was in town, I was slow in getting into the excitement at the dance. In many ways it was like high school prom (gowns, occasional tuxedo, corsage, and dancing); in other ways it was not so much (open bar, live music, lack of my date fooling around with another dude in the bathtub while I slept in a closet).

Overall the night was a fun experience, bookended by some unpleasantries. Early on, I arrived at the dance without the benefit of the pre-party and was doomed to play catch-up for a while. Mix in the fact that I was stuffed from a wonderful dinner at the Ivy Inn with my parents, exhausted from the previous two nights, alone on prom night, and I was concerned this would be a miserable. Things picked up, courtesy of the open bar and the band providing hits from the 70's, 80's, and 90's. Musically, I think the highlights were Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" and Earth, Wind and Fire's "September." Respectively, those songs brought me back to summers on the Jersey shore and parties at the ol' fraternity with DJ Nick spinning. Though I'm not usually a big fan of cover bands, these guys had some talent and I loved the fact that at any given time there were 6-10 girls from the law school dancing on stage with each other, with the band members, and with ass-slapping a plenty. (band to ladies, ladies to band, ladies to ladies)

By the time the dance was over, everyone piled onto buses to head to the after-party, being held at a local restaurant and bar. My buddy Matt had acquired a bottle of bourbon which was passed around the bus until there was no more. It was at this point that my lack of sleep really started to hit and I just wanted to go home and go to bed. Fortunately, I wasn't trapped at the after-party for too long and was able to catch a cab home. It was truly "An Evening to Remember." (that was the theme)

Campaign Update

2005-02-17T12:00:00.000-05:00

As we reach the end of campaign week here at UVa, I would like to provide everyone with an update on my role in the election so far.

For those of you that are unaware, I am pursuing a position as Student Bar Association Representative for the Class of 2007. There are 19 candidates for five positions, so it promises to be a close race where name recognition and good ol' fashioned dirty tricks are going to decide the election. Check on the latter, still working on the former.

Each candidate is allowed to submit one campaign flyer, not to exceed 8.5 x 11 or "letter" size as we used to call it in the copying industry. (11 x 17= tabloid, 8.5 x 14= legal, 18= barely legal) I am one of nine candidates to submit a flyer, which range from the "I take this way too serious since I lost freshman class president in high school" to "I'm not taking this election nearly serious enough and am probably offending my fellow candidates with my flip attitude." Again, check on the latter, still bitter about the former.

My flyer, which I would post here if I had the technological savvy, is a picture of me with my hair standing straight up after a day of wearing a baseball cap. I have a beer in my hand, nestled in a UVa "coozy," and I am smiling at the camera. The tagline is "Competent and Responsible, So You Don't Have to Be." I then proceed to list a brief resume which includes my subscription to The Economist as one of the crowning achievements of my life. If you would like a copy, please feel free to email me.

All joking aside, I am taking the campaign seriously but have reservations about taking myself too seriously in this election. I seek this office not to bolster my resume, not to rattle the cage of the administration, and not to shake things up in pursuit of making student government "relevant" again. There is a time for revolution and there is a time for continuation of the status quo. Life here at UVa is good, SBA promotes that goodness, and I believe SBA could be, dare I say, even gooder with me as a member. If that day comes that the evil Dean (he's actually quite friendly and a fantastic professor) cracks down on students' rights or people become unsatisfied with their experience here, I will gladly assume the role of advocate and speak up for change.

One funny closing story regarding the campaign. Apparently during On Campus Interviewing, a fellow first year student was asked by his interviewer "Hey, do you know this 'Mambles' guy? I saw his flyer and think its hilarious."

March Madness

2005-02-07T14:51:00.000-05:00

I just signed up to get all the March Madness games viewable from my computer which could be one of the best/worst decisions of the semester. Thanks to the wireless network, I can watch games in class all for the low price of $9.95. The price goes up tomorrow to $19.95 and I would encourage all of you to check it out.

http://cstv.ncaasports.com/index.html?leadid=spln

The Greatest Week of my High School Years

2005-02-03T09:29:00.000-05:00

To those of you that knew me back at CHS, you may be thinking I am talking about the third week of May, 1997, but no. This has been the greatest week of my high school years. As if it were a negative, people like to say that UVa law has a high school atmosphere. Maybe it's the lockers, the cafeteria, the gossip, or the jocks stuffing nerds into aforementioned lockers. Man, being a jock is sweet. I noticed the parallels early last semester, yet continue to be amazed at times.

Yesterday, I experienced two events eerily reminiscent of high school. First off, this is campaign week for the student government executive positions (Student Bar Association [SBA, not ASB, clever, huh?]). After classes, I attended the candidate debate which was a mix of high school ("I really love UVa and want to give back, because this place is AWESOME!" or "If I'm elected, we can have parties in the teacher's lounge!"), college student government ("I want to promote diversity and be a voice of the students"), and free pizza (Papa John's).

Second HS event of the day: I auditioned for the Libel Show, which is essentially the school play/talent show. For 95 years or so, UVa has put on this event every Spring as an SNL type variety show with skits, song, dance, and a live band. I wrote and performed a new song titled"Sectional Intercourse" ("Mambles follows up to his successful undergraduate album, Songs in the Key of Ron, with Cat Stevens inspired guitar and Sandler inspired lyrics about the awkwardness following a hook up with a fellow sectionmate." NY TIMES 02/01/2005) I should hear back on Monday. As if that weren't HS enough, everyone who wants to be involved gets some sort of part. The catch is, that part may be as an extra, prop guy, or best boy grip (primary assistant to the gaffer).

Cancelled

2005-02-03T09:10:00.000-05:00

It is a well documented fact that there are few things I enjoy more in this world than sleeping. In fact at last count there were only four things I enjoy more than sleeping and two of those involve High Life ([1] cans; [2] bottles). Imagine my discontent when I rolled out of bed this morning, speed walked to grounds in the snow, and discovered that my class has been cancelled. Could it be the 1/2" of snow on the ground has stopped traffic? Is the professor not feeling well and I just did not check my email this morning? Is it Saturday? As I begin to wake from my slumber, I am remembering that there is a strong possibility that the professor mentioned it on Tuesday in class and that I did not write it down and simply forgot. Maybe I am finally at that age that requires a planner, calendar, and sobriety.

On an unrelated note, the Law School is in the midst of "Feb Club" in which there is a different themed party every night of the month to celebrate/mourn last semester's grades which finally posted today. So far I am 2/2 in attendance (themes so far: Desperate Housewives and Revenge of the Nerds) and wonder how long I may keep this streak alive. The whole month is planned and sponsored by the North Grounds Softball League (NGSL) which, oddly enough just might be the most powerful student organization at the law school. Tonight: Hard Core Pong (dress as a 70's porn star, play beer pong)

Elimi-great!

2005-02-02T16:02:00.000-05:00

Several months ago, I rediscovered a fine documentary, style show on the WB about the mores and customs of dating in America. This "reality" based television show takes one male or female, then puts them in a group with four members of the opposite sex. As the show progresses, the four candidates are whittled to the winner, as contestants are eliminated one by one. It might be said that this show "symbolifies," if I may use that word, the inevitable competition, sexuality, and humiliation of the courtship of today's generation. If you have not figured out by now, I am speaking of the show Elimidate.

My roommate and I devised a game of chance centered around the show in which each of us choose our "horse" for the race and if your candidate is victorious, the loser pays you $1. If neither candidate wins, then it carries over to the following episode. Thanks to the back to back, five night a week format, I have been able to watch several episodes, while losing approximately $73.

As a new feature of Mambel's Rambles, I would like to start including some thoughts and review of my favorite episodes, characters, and quotes. Stay tuned for updates.

Elimidate contestant: (following a spontaneous kiss) Were you surprised?
Girl in charge of the Elimidatin': Yeah.
Contestant: Well, I guess that means I surprised you.

Mr. Roller Backpacking Law Student

2005-01-27T13:08:00.000-05:00

Today we salute you, Mr. Roller Backpacking Law Student
(Mr. Roller Backpacking Law Student)
Your respect for ergonomics at the cost of self respect is an inspiration to us all
(Your spine remains in line)
Like a traveler rushing for the airport gate, late for their red eye flight, you "carry-on" with your business.
(Your pack is First Class!)
While others silently roam the halls with their "non-wheeled napsacks" and messenger bags, you roll on in a thunder
(Rolling for freedom!)
You brave the risk of slick roads, blowouts, and the likely ass-kicking whenever you encounter your peers you in the hallway.
(Ass kicking for freedom!)
So crack open an ice-cold Bud light, master of the mobile Jansport. Though a tool, you're a roll model to us all.

ACC Hoops

2005-01-23T14:51:00.000-05:00

My friend Warren once told me that you should pick an undergraduate school with a strong football program and then choose your grad school based on basketball. With the recent plight of the University of Washington football team (1-10) vis-a-vis the surging Husky basketball team (15-2), a new philosophy may be in order. Nevertheless, when I was considering various law schools, the quality of their sports programs was a factor, nestled somewhere in between quality of faculty and proximity to Civil War sites.

"But Mambels, UVa is hardly a basketball powerhouse."

True. Yet as a member of the ACC, I figured I would get to see some of the finest hoops in the country as Duke, UNC, Wake, GT, NCState, and Maryland came into town to rumble with the 'Hoos. Imagine my excitement yesterday when I got to attend my first ACC game between the "down but not quite out" Cavaliers and the "perennial ACC bottom feeding" Tigers of Clemson.

A few observations on the game:

1) The arena was half empty. Maybe the snow kept the out of town fans away, perhaps it's hard to muster excitement for a game between a team 0-5 in the conference against a 1-4 opponent, but it was seriously disappointing. Across the street, they are building the new John Paul Jones Arena which should open the season after next, and I wonder, will the fans come then? Is Zeppelin's drummer an alumni and major booster?

2) The arena was eerily quiet. Granted, this is in large part attributable to observation #1. Even with the limited attendance, and keep in mind I was sitting in the student section, it's just not right to politely clap after UVa scores, as if at golf tournament. I think the loudest I heard the crowd was during a halftime. Two students raced around the court in American Gladiator meets hamster ball meets costume from hit film Bubble Boy. Blue won, in case you were curious.

3) The fans left early...in a two point game! With UVa up two points with less than thirty seconds left, Clemson with the ball and a timeout, the aisles filled as fans headed for the exits. Were they trying to beat traffic? Did they think this game was in the bag? Were these the same people that left the UVa-Miami football game when Miami was up 10 with over five minutes left in the game?

Now I am sure that what I experienced is not indicative of the ACC at large and is nothing compared to attending a game down on Tobacco Row. In fact, my friends at the game from Wake and Duke could not believe how quiet this arena was and the overall lack of enthusiasm.

Next Saturday, UNC comes to town and I'm hoping things will be better and that my ACC grad school decision pays off.

Return of the Rambles

2005-01-18T22:11:00.000-05:00

To my loyal readers, I believe I owe you all an apology and explanation for the almost two month hiatus from blogging.

I had failed to realize how many lives had been touched by my thoughts and opinions on "all things Mambels" until I ceased to ramble. I have received emails from old friends in Seattle, a man in Basel, Switzerland, a lieutenant in the U.S. Army stationed in Germany, and a young Chinese boy I met in a WNBA Discussion forum. (Note: After the Seattle Storm won the title last year, I jumped on that bandwagon faster than a tween at a Hillary Duff concert. I spent about two weeks, non-stop, on a Dawgman.com style forum for Storm fanatics.)

To those in Seattle, Charlottesville, or throughout the globe, thank you. Without your readership, feedback, and encouragement, the Rambles could not attract the advertising revenue that keeps this ship afloat. For any pain this blogging sabbatical may have caused, I am truly sorry.

As for an explanation, the best I can do is as follows:
November 21-November 23: Hangover following birthday weekend (see previous post)
November 24-November 28: Thanksgiving Break
November 28-December 22: Finals
December 22-December 23: Horrible food poisoning thanks to the good folks at Panera.
December 23-January 1: Holiday with Family, Helen, and Friends
January 2-Present: General laziness, VH1 Celebreality, Saved by the Bell, and writer's block.

This semester I will try to update this site once a week or so and hope to have a few new posts this week to get things going. All for now...

Birthday Weekend Wrap-Up

2004-11-21T17:39:00.000-05:00

Prior to dinner last night, I was having one of the most depressing birthdays I can remember. Maybe it was the fact that I was away from home, maybe that I had to study Contracts, maybe that I couldn’t get the Apple Cup on TV, and maybe it was due to my hangover.

That all changed thanks to a delicious dinner at Fuel and a great party at C.J. and Brody’s place. Thank you to all who came out to help me celebrate the big 23. A few stories/notes from my birthday weekend:

1) On Friday night after midnight, my birthday celebration began courtesy of my buddies and a few random people at the Buddhist Biker Bar who were kind enough to buy me Jaiger bombs and shots. It was reminiscent of my 21 run but without that unfortunate incident involving a Bushmill’s whiskey collector’s tin serving as a substitute for a toilet at the bar.

Now, it is well known that I am a firm believer in the equality of the sexes in terms of the opportunities offered to broads. That includes the opportunity to get in a fight with me on my birthday if you are being a bitch. Chivalry is dead. Before you get too excited, the fight did not get physical but there was plenty of yelling between me and some undergrad girls.

It began when I was making fun of the undergrad guys here at UVa. Some of these guys really take Frat Code to the next level with multiple pastel polo shirts, all collars popped with a requisite visor. Apparently the girls took offense to my comments and decided to crank the bitch dial up to about an 11. They then decided to tell me that they were going to make more money than me, one in investment banking (IB) and the other after she got out of law school (LS). At that point I told LS that she was probably too dumb to get into law school, to which she responded “I have a 3.9 GPA.” This is where the conversation got interesting:

Mambels: 158
LS: What?
Mambels: 158
LS: Excuse me?
Mambels: 158. I guaran-F-ing-tee you will not score higher than a 158 on your LSAT.

LS then proceeded to attack the academic integrity of the University of Washington. At this point I asked for both of the girls names so I could look them up on the directory to email them later to remind them how awful they are. One of the girl’s last names was Harp.

Mambels: Harp, kind of like the ferry.
LS: Or Harper’s Ferry.
Mambels: I said it was kind of like the ferry. Are you accusing me of not knowing my American history? I know my f-ing American history!

My friends interjected here:

Mambel’s buddy: You girls should be nice to him, it’s his birthday.
IB: I don’t care if it’s his birthday.
Mambels: (says nothing, extends his two middle fingers and sticks one in each of the girl’s faces before parting ways)

2) There were purple and gold Jello shots at my party.

3) There were fireworks at my party.

4) There were cupcakes at my party.

5) I returned last night without my keys and without my underwear.

Thank you all for a wonderful 23rd birthday!

Cardozo with a Mustache

2004-11-17T02:40:00.000-05:00

A quick thought before I go to bed tonight:

As I keep reading the judicial opinions of Justice Cardozo, I just realized that the person I picture writing these opinions is Edward James Olmos, who is kind enough to read the opinions to me in my head.

Why? Olmos played the first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice Mendoza on the West Wing, which I guess sounds like Cardozo.

Live the High Life

2004-11-12T21:57:00.000-05:00

Occasionally my friends back home will call me out just to make sure I am the same person that left Seattle three months ago. Move 3000 miles and people think you're going to pick up an accent, dress in a new manner, and change your drinking preferences. Although I have picked up this insatiable desire to play Big Buck Hunter II Sportman's Paradise at any chance, (it is in every bar in this city) I promise you all this: I remain accent free and continue to live the High Life.

A few recent notes about the "Champagne of Beers:"

1. My roommate and I sacrificed part of our damage deposit yesterday when the apartment maintenance guy had to come out and fix our garbage disposal. According to our lease, there are certain repairs that we have to pay for and others that we don't, based on the cause of damage. Typically a clogged garbage disposal would be an expense covered by the good folks here at Ivy Garden. However, apparently some metal object had clogged the disposal as a result of my negligence. When the maintenance guy repaired the disposal, he showed us what had been the cause of our problems: a shredded Miller High Life bottle cap.

2. I own a High Life sweatshirt, the former spoils from a victorious night of trivia at Dante's. Like so many t-shirts and sweatshirts I acquired during my undergraduate years, my mother has kindly asked me not to wear these items in public. Sorry Mom. The High Life sweatshirt made its debut in class last Friday, complete with sweatpants and a backwards cap. On a related note, I've realized that I might be getting too old to wear t-shirts that contain profanity. I've worn my "Canada Kicks Ass" t-shirt a few times and have noticed some concerned stares.

3. Two weeks ago, prior to the Public Interest Law Association (PILA) auction, I went to a pre-party complete with a selection of fine coctails, veggie/meat/cheese trays, and Coltrane being pumped through the room. Reminiscent of so many fraternity and sorority functions, everyone donning suits and dresses pretended to be real adults for a few hours before getting sloshed and bidding on an RV. (Maybe that last part wasn't so much like a Greek system function) After my first Jack and Coke, I discovered, much to my delight, a tub of High Life cans. They were at that perfect temperature that cannot be attained by mere refrigeration, but requires a large tub or garbage can full of ice and water. I opened a can and was immediately approached by the other three guys at the party drinking the champagne. We formed an instant bond and those guys are like brothers to me now.

4. Finally, I'd just like to point out that now there's a light way, to live the High Life.

Last Call on My Memo...

2004-11-03T23:21:00.000-05:00

I have always been amazed by those people that are able to work ahead and get a jump on assignments. That Thursday night before a big paper is due, they are sitting around playing Srabble, watching Everybody Loves Raymond, or whatever it is "those" people do, while I'm frantically working against the clock in the library. I respect those people, but it's in a loathing sort of way.

Procrastination has and always will be my mode of operation. I've tried to change but like an alchi in relapse, I just keep coming back to the bottle. My major memorandum is due in less than 36 hours now and I am struggling at best. *For those of you back home not familiar with this 1L rite of passage, the major memorandum is the one large research based writing assignment of the first semester addressing some hypothetical case)

To quote Office Space, "It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care." Granted, I haven't taken a math class for the better part of a decade but work with these numbers: I am currently enrolled in 15 credits of classes where I will receive letter grades that affect all future employment opportunities. This 1 credit Legal Research and Writing class is Pass/Fail. PBR's are $1.50 this Thursday night. Perhaps the alchi analogy was better than I thought...

Now according to a friend of mine at UC Hastings Law, it is possible to fail LR&W. And, according to my professor here at UVa, this class is not "pass/pass but rather pass/fail. Remember that. It's do or die time." (a guy from my section was called into the woodshed for this little lecture on his work ethic)

So screw you, Mr. Triple Word score, you have your game and your delightful situation comedy. It's last call on my assignment and I've barely begun to drink. (is this metaphor working? Please comment below. Otherwise it's just giving me the jones for a High Life)

Sorry Brians

2004-11-02T00:44:00.000-05:00

To those of you out there commenting on the lack of frequency in my posting over the last few days, may I remind you that I do have additional responsibilities- such as picking the location for Bar Review, keeping my fantasy football roster up to date, and the occasional school assignment. Fear not loyal readers (both of you), I've readjusted my schedule and implemented the following plan to make more time for what's truly important in my life:

1) All friends whose names start with letters B-G will no longer be a part of my life.

2) Bar Review will be at the Buddhist every week. (for my friends back home, that place is sweet)

3) Heavy napping will be reintroduced into my life in order to open up precious hours in the 12:00 to 3:00AM time period in which I thrive.

Those that knew me in my college days, should find it as little surprise that I enjoy the "siesta" lifestyle. I'm not talking about those 20 minute power nap in your desk chair or couch that corporate America is pushing you into buying. Nope, I want two or three hours, in bed, lights out. I have not once accomplished anything during the hours of 4:00 to 6:00 PM ever, why should I waste these hours awake?

I once delivered a speech my Freshman year of college in a Speech class on the benefits of napping. One point I made was that the average life expectancy in Spain, where they enjoy a daily siesta was something like 77, while in non-napping Afghanistan it was somewhere in the 30's. Think about that. When you get on the bus, you get there. (NWH) My professor informed me I was being culturally insensitive, and that apparently Afghanistan has a history of warfare and strife. Like I said, I was a Freshman; blame public schools.

Local Celebrity

2004-10-30T16:31:00.000-04:00

As at nearly all schools, the University of Virginia Law School publishes a newspaper on a weekly basis, aptly titled "Law Weekly." One will probably not be surprised to see standard school paper fare, such as reviews of speakers, political columns, and general news from around grounds. What really makes Law Weekly unique, though, is a Top 10 list, gossip column, and a column about all the Section (think FIG) social events from the previous week. Up to this point, I had avoided mention in any of the pages of the Weekly. Unfortunately, that streak has ended. What have I done to warrant this special attention? I bowled a turkey last Friday night. That's right. Three strikes in a row and now I'm famous.

Now, I've always been skeptical of anybody who is too good at bowling. It carries a certain stigma. Maybe it's because of the "kind" of people that hang out at bowling alleys. The regulars, the league guys. I remember once on a rush (recruitment that is, not the band) trip when a rushee bowled like a 200 and I could never look at him the same way. I am generally not a good bowler, I just happened to play one of the best games of my life last weekend. Will this be my legend now around school? Am I going to introduce myself to someone at a party and they'll say, "Oh, you're that totally kick-ass bowler!"? There's another 1L who got headbutted the first party of the semester, and now he is known as "Headbutt Guy." What will be my moniker?

Tonight is the big Halloween bash outside of town complete with kegs and bonfire. A huge number of students will be attending. As I've learned from countless teen movies, this is the perfect scenario for something big to go down. Before this bowling thing sticks, perhaps I can alter my destiny and be known as "Slipped into the Bonfire Guy," "Passed out in a Field Guy," or "Exposed Himself to Half the School Guy." Please, anything but "The Bowling Guy."

4 Days 'till Halloween

2004-10-27T02:00:00.000-04:00

This weekend, kids and adults alike will celebrate Halloween. Children will dress up as pirates, nurses, celebrities, and cats. Adults will dress as pirate pimps, naughty nurses, recently deceased celebrities and cats. (by cat I mean girls in nighties with cat ears) If you are an adult, and your costume is not sexy and/or tasteless, then you've missed the true meaning of this sacred holiday. So dress up as a pregnant nun, an Iraqi hostage, the ghost of Dangerfield, or Superman in a wheel chair (or coffin), and let's have a little party.

I remember growing up and looking forward to Halloween as early as August. Throw on a mask, get some candy, eat yourself sick, and then go to sleep, shaking as you come of a massive sugar high.

That all changed about the time I got to college. Now the two weeks preceding Halloween I am overcome with excitement, but it is nervous and anxious. The pressure builds; what are you going to be for Halloween? The line that we all must walk is a fine one. Dress as something harmless, and dare to be called boring. Push the envelope, and risk dirty looks and harsh words.

So with four days left, I am at a loss. My difficulty is compounded by the fact that I must attend a children's event and a late night party. Do I come up with two separate costumes? Perhaps, I just modify the costume from the children's event for the party. (e.g. Woody from Toy Story during the day and Woody in just a cowboy hat at night) Gidde up.

I have been growing a beard for about a week just to keep my options open. Maybe Kenny Rogers will die and my question will be answered. Until then, I'm looking for suggestions.

Apologies to Danza

2004-10-26T13:23:00.000-04:00

I was just recently informed that Tony Danza is, believe it or not, still alive. My apologies go out to his family, friends and fans for any misunderstanding and heartache my post may have caused.

That would be tortious!

2004-10-26T01:37:00.000-04:00

For the most part, I feel like my friends back home and here at school are funny people. Raised on the Simpsons, Seinfeld and Who's the Boss, as well as recent hits like the Daily Show, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and the George Lopez Show, the humor of my generation is sharp and biting with an appreciation for the ironic.

Enter law school. Thanks to the many latin terms that have found their way into our casebooks, lectures, and Black's Dictionary, a new humor is rearing its head in my life. Law students, because we hang out almost exclusively with other law students, enjoy dropping these new terms into everyday conversation. Some examples of such jokes heard around grounds:

Student: I wouldn't say that I'm lazy per se, but regarding my memo...I think that res ipsa loquitor (the thing speaks for itself)

Student: I was prima facie (on its face) lying in a gutter last night outside of the Biltmore.

And one especially awful example:

Student: Getting cold-called without having done the reading, that would be tortious! (I'm not even sure if he's using tortious correctly here)

Bad jokes happen, sometimes to funny people, and I guess I'm willing to accept that. My problem with this phenomenon is that at first I found myself completely disgusted at the thought of making these awful law jokes. That transitioned into a very sardonic usage of these terms, complete with mocking voice and cheesy look on my face. The concern is now that I can't help making these jokes and occasionally think that I am being clever and this is with no trace of irony.

I've got a theory that all men grow up and eventually develop this corny, Eugene Levy style of jokes that I call "Dad Humor." My theory is that men in their late 20's, begin mocking this style of humor and eventually fail to realize that what they once mocked, they have become. By the time they have kids, they have lost all edge in the sense of humor they once had.

So next month I turn 23 and will likely go out to a bar with my law school buddies. Someone will buy a round of drinks, and state their intent to get intoxicated. Insert mens rea joke here. We'll ask if their was sufficient consideration on a bold but perhaps unenforceable offer by someone to buy Jaiger shots. And then I'll head home and tort myself to sleep, asking what have I become? Tony Danza must be spinning in his grave.

My First Blog Post

2004-10-26T00:53:00.000-04:00

According to various posts on blogs throughout the world, blogging is having a tremendous impact on something or another. In this age of multimedia this and high speed that, traditional media outlets cannot meet America's insatiable demand for information. Furthermore, corporate media, despite my many letters and phone calls, has decided that my rants on pop culture, politics, and the activities of my mundane life do not warrant any coverage.

And so it begins, Mambels Rambles will strive to be source for news on all things Mambels.