1984?

Better 1984:

George Orwell's negative utopian vision of the future or Van Halen's kick-ass vision of rocking out?

As always, your opinions are greatly appreciated.

“Pen Fifteen” Poisoning Afflicts Middle School Students

Dozens of students at Calvin Coolidge Middle School have succumbed to ink poisoning as a result of joining the “Pen Fifteen” club, whose initiation ceremonies include writing on the hand. Health officials believe that the ink is seeping through the skin and entering the blood stream, resulting in acute rollerballitis and an increased risk of chronic ballpointadopholous.

“Initially, these kids just want to fit in, so they join this club at their friend’s request,” said Coolidge Principle Judy Evans. “Well we’ll see how well they fit in when they’re dead.”

Billy Jackson, founder of the Coolidge chapter of the Pen Fifteen Club, was unavailable for comment due to recess.

Condoleeza Rose and Microwaves

So as I had mentioned a few months ago, my roommate and I enjoy betting on Elimidate. Tonight is a big one as the winner gets to keep the microwave. I'm going to give some live updates throughout the episode. This is my first live blogging experience:

11:59PM: Mambles wins the coin toss and selects the field which means ScoDo will have first choice.

12:01: Miami, FL. Wow this field is pretty wrecked. ScoDo picks the clear favorite and the field is littered with a girl who says she would not consider herself "wild," a platinum blonde who may not be from this planet, and one other girl who is rather non-descript.

12:05: One of my favorite Elmidate moments that I can remember. The girl who would not describe herself as "wild," Rachel, says that her idol is Condoleeza Rose. When the platinum blonde asks "who's that?" Rachel responds, "she's in the government. I'm a political science major."

12:08: Rachel asks platinum if she even knows who the president is. Platinum replies that she does not know nor does she care. "Who cares about the government? Do you know the name of Paris Hilton's dog?"

12:09: First elimidation: non-descript girl.

12:12: Platinum flashes the dude.

12:14: Platinum starts making out with the guy. Rachel follows up. ScoDo's pick looks on in moral disapproval. This microwave might be mine yet.

12:15: Dude says that his fantasy has always been to make out with three girls on a hammock. He then reveals in his camera testimonial that he was making that up in order to score. How cunning, he must have seen this show before.

12:16: Commercial Break: Dr. Ron Schnitman is telling me that life alert can help. Apparently old people like to watch Elimidate.

12:18: Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints is telling me to read the book of Morman. For a free copy call 1-800-522-8615. "I just feel so peaceful when I'm reading this."

12:19: Second elimidation: Rachel is gone. Things are looking bad for my microwave.

12:20: Rachel in her goodbye testimonial says she was about to Elimidate herself and calls him a dumb fratboy.

12:21: Our friends have moved to the private suite of his hotel. There are strawberries and whipcream on the bed. Oh, what will happen?

12:23: Platinum is my final hope. She is saying she is not going to give it up on the first night, unless she's having fun.

12:23: Shout out to Dale Ingraham, the announcer of Elimidate. That guy's a pro.

12:24: Commercial break: Add for anti-depression tapes. Apparently the target Elimdate audience is geriatric, depressed, and looking for religious fulfillment.

12:26: If you or a loved one took hormone therapy and are suffering from stroke or bloodclots, please call 1-800-293-1886. Law Offices of James Soklave.

12:28: Final cut....he says to platinum "you're definitely hot but just not my type."

12:30: Damn. I loved that microwave.