1984?

Better 1984:

George Orwell's negative utopian vision of the future or Van Halen's kick-ass vision of rocking out?

As always, your opinions are greatly appreciated.

“Pen Fifteen” Poisoning Afflicts Middle School Students

Dozens of students at Calvin Coolidge Middle School have succumbed to ink poisoning as a result of joining the “Pen Fifteen” club, whose initiation ceremonies include writing on the hand. Health officials believe that the ink is seeping through the skin and entering the blood stream, resulting in acute rollerballitis and an increased risk of chronic ballpointadopholous.

“Initially, these kids just want to fit in, so they join this club at their friend’s request,” said Coolidge Principle Judy Evans. “Well we’ll see how well they fit in when they’re dead.”

Billy Jackson, founder of the Coolidge chapter of the Pen Fifteen Club, was unavailable for comment due to recess.

Condoleeza Rose and Microwaves

So as I had mentioned a few months ago, my roommate and I enjoy betting on Elimidate. Tonight is a big one as the winner gets to keep the microwave. I'm going to give some live updates throughout the episode. This is my first live blogging experience:

11:59PM: Mambles wins the coin toss and selects the field which means ScoDo will have first choice.

12:01: Miami, FL. Wow this field is pretty wrecked. ScoDo picks the clear favorite and the field is littered with a girl who says she would not consider herself "wild," a platinum blonde who may not be from this planet, and one other girl who is rather non-descript.

12:05: One of my favorite Elmidate moments that I can remember. The girl who would not describe herself as "wild," Rachel, says that her idol is Condoleeza Rose. When the platinum blonde asks "who's that?" Rachel responds, "she's in the government. I'm a political science major."

12:08: Rachel asks platinum if she even knows who the president is. Platinum replies that she does not know nor does she care. "Who cares about the government? Do you know the name of Paris Hilton's dog?"

12:09: First elimidation: non-descript girl.

12:12: Platinum flashes the dude.

12:14: Platinum starts making out with the guy. Rachel follows up. ScoDo's pick looks on in moral disapproval. This microwave might be mine yet.

12:15: Dude says that his fantasy has always been to make out with three girls on a hammock. He then reveals in his camera testimonial that he was making that up in order to score. How cunning, he must have seen this show before.

12:16: Commercial Break: Dr. Ron Schnitman is telling me that life alert can help. Apparently old people like to watch Elimidate.

12:18: Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints is telling me to read the book of Morman. For a free copy call 1-800-522-8615. "I just feel so peaceful when I'm reading this."

12:19: Second elimidation: Rachel is gone. Things are looking bad for my microwave.

12:20: Rachel in her goodbye testimonial says she was about to Elimidate herself and calls him a dumb fratboy.

12:21: Our friends have moved to the private suite of his hotel. There are strawberries and whipcream on the bed. Oh, what will happen?

12:23: Platinum is my final hope. She is saying she is not going to give it up on the first night, unless she's having fun.

12:23: Shout out to Dale Ingraham, the announcer of Elimidate. That guy's a pro.

12:24: Commercial break: Add for anti-depression tapes. Apparently the target Elimdate audience is geriatric, depressed, and looking for religious fulfillment.

12:26: If you or a loved one took hormone therapy and are suffering from stroke or bloodclots, please call 1-800-293-1886. Law Offices of James Soklave.

12:28: Final cut....he says to platinum "you're definitely hot but just not my type."

12:30: Damn. I loved that microwave.

Have Mercy

Quick poll:

Better Uncle Jesse:
Uncle Jesse from Full House, or
Uncle Jesse from Dukes of Hazard?

Please feel free to comment.

Got 'er Done - Part II

On Sunday, we woke up about 9:30 and made some breakfast sandwiches with sausage, eggs, and cheese, washed down by a morning High Life. (19)

Race day is like nothing I have seen in my entire life. The Martinsville Speedway holds about 60,000 people so it’s similar to the scene outside of a colllege football game. Vendors set up shops where you can buy all sorts of NASCAR gear. We decided on purchasing a confederate flag with our weekend mantra, “Git ‘er Done,” written in yellow writing. (22)

Unfortunately, the town of Martinsville was sold out of sunscreen and coolers, which would each present its own problems later in the day. The cooler we were able to get around by bringing in a cooler about three times the size allowed in the race and pretending like we didn’t know. Security was nice enough to say, “you boys just don’t bring that next time.” (23) For the sunscreen, we just burned in the 80 degree heat.

At the race, it was loud and hot. It seems like the race itself is secondary for a lot of the fans there who seem more focused on the contents of their koozies. Laps 1-100 were a lot of fun, 100-400 not so much, and then the final 100 I enjoyed again.

Best race day conversation that I overheard:

Woman Standing in Line at Outhouse: Jeff Gordon is not gay! You give me five minutes with that man and I will prove to you that he is not.
Guy Standing in Line: Lady, Gordon is such a queer.
Woman: Five minutes and I will prove he’s not. He may be bisexual but he ain’t gay. Hehehe.

The two of them put their differences aside and toasted koozies, cackling behind their 15 collective teeth. (26)

Naturally, I was pulling for my guy, #9, Kasey Kahne from Cle Elum, WA who put in a helluva race. You can imagine that I was booing with the rest of the fans when Jeff Gordon crossed that finish line. Kahne, a half a lap behind, finished in second place. (28)

As I walked away from Bojangles with a box of fried chicken after the race, my roommate turned and asked me a question:

My roommate: Where’s your koozey?
Mambles: Sheeet, I left it at the race with my pouch of Red Man.
Roommate: Get ‘er done.

Got 'er Done- Part I

Early Saturday evening, my roommate, two guys from my section, and I climbed into a 1976 RV and headed to Martinsville, VA for a NASCAR weekend, courtesy of the Advanced Auto Parts 500. There were so many people that we met and moments to this weekend that a single blog entry will not suffice. I’ll start from the beginning and will include in parentheses the number of beers I had at that point:

The RV:

This RV was recently purchased by some friends of mine at a charity auction for the bargain price of $900. We get about ten feet from where we’d started when we heard a loud, scraping noise outside. Upon inspection, we realized that we were dragging a metal pipe that seemed to be attached to the water or sewage system. There was not enough time for a proper fix so we just removed the piece and were on our way. (1)

About an hour on the road, the RV started hurking, jerking, and making loud banging noises which meant we were running out of gas. Apparently, the gas gauge leaves a bit to be desired for accuracy. We switch the auxiliary tank and are able to coast into the nearest gas station, which for some odd reason, had two pool tables and three extras from Deliverance. (4)

Walmart Supercenter Store in Lynchburg, VA

Our next stop came at the Walmart in Lynchburg. We purchased two camping chairs, a dozen bottles of water, and a bucket to be used as a urinal since the RV bathroom does not flush. I’m beginning to wonder if removing that pipe back in Charlottesville was a good idea. (6)

Martinsville

We finally arrived in Martinsville at about 9:00 pm and found a large field filled with RV’s, tents and enough domestic beer and Camel lights to feed an army. The guy running the field said it was $60 for an RV but we agreed on $40 and had a home for the night. (8)

We fired up the BBQ and had a few burgers before venturing out to meet our neighbors. This is where the real fun began. (10)

The first group we hung out with were from Pittsburg. Five guys in their thirties, including Bob who was already passed out in a camping chair next to the bonfire. He would poke his face out from his hooded sweatshirt whenever one of his buddies screamed his name. (11)

At our second bonfire, we met four brothers from Ohio. Somebody was lighting off fireworks at a nearby field and every time something would explode, one of the brothers would scream “Git ‘er done!” This became our rallying cry for the night and the following day.

We then met a guy who was a huge Mark Martin fan who would giggle uncontrollably every time he said “Martin is going to win in Martinsville…hehehehehe.” (15)

In what was one of our brighter ideas of the weekend, we decided to check out the speedway at night. We stumbled to the main entrance and eventually found an open gate which allowed us into the grandstands. A maintenance worker warned us that there were about three hundred sheriffs patrolling the speedway and it might be a wise idea to leave. So we left, but not without me trying to start a golf cart parked in the concourse. (17)

On the walk back from the Speedway, I fell in a ditch and rolled my ankle as I am prone to do.

Just when we thought our night was over, we procured some firewood and were able to make a bonfire in our BBQ. Enjoying a night cap, a 55 year old woman and her 70 year old man, who was either her father, boyfriend, or pimp, stumbled towards our fire.

The woman, staggering back and forth and holding a big bottle of wine, said, “you boys got a corkscrew?”

My roommate, thinking she said quarter said, “I’ve got a quarter,” as he handed it to her.

She responded, “no not a quarter a corkscrew, but I will keep your quarter.”

“You boys wanna play butt darts?” she added before stumbling off into the darkness

Confused and a bit frightened we asked no follow up questions and went to sleep. (18) Seriously, what the hell is butt darts?

Law School Prom

Saturday night was the "Barristers' Ball" or Law School Prom, as it is informally referred to. Unfortunately, Helen was in town last weekend, while my parents were in town this weekend. Despite several jokes over the previous weeks, I did not take my parents to this event although there was serious contemplation about having friends over to my apartment before the prom to have my parents take pictures of the couples in front of my fireplace.

Flying solo and quite exhausted after writing my brief throughout Thursday night and then going on a nice little bender in D.C. on Friday with my buddy Nick who was in town, I was slow in getting into the excitement at the dance. In many ways it was like high school prom (gowns, occasional tuxedo, corsage, and dancing); in other ways it was not so much (open bar, live music, lack of my date fooling around with another dude in the bathtub while I slept in a closet).

Overall the night was a fun experience, bookended by some unpleasantries. Early on, I arrived at the dance without the benefit of the pre-party and was doomed to play catch-up for a while. Mix in the fact that I was stuffed from a wonderful dinner at the Ivy Inn with my parents, exhausted from the previous two nights, alone on prom night, and I was concerned this would be a miserable. Things picked up, courtesy of the open bar and the band providing hits from the 70's, 80's, and 90's. Musically, I think the highlights were Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" and Earth, Wind and Fire's "September." Respectively, those songs brought me back to summers on the Jersey shore and parties at the ol' fraternity with DJ Nick spinning. Though I'm not usually a big fan of cover bands, these guys had some talent and I loved the fact that at any given time there were 6-10 girls from the law school dancing on stage with each other, with the band members, and with ass-slapping a plenty. (band to ladies, ladies to band, ladies to ladies)

By the time the dance was over, everyone piled onto buses to head to the after-party, being held at a local restaurant and bar. My buddy Matt had acquired a bottle of bourbon which was passed around the bus until there was no more. It was at this point that my lack of sleep really started to hit and I just wanted to go home and go to bed. Fortunately, I wasn't trapped at the after-party for too long and was able to catch a cab home. It was truly "An Evening to Remember." (that was the theme)